Grandma where’s grandpa?
Dear Grandma,
I know you are still here in many ways unimaginable to most human comprehension. I wonder if you remember denying my mother the right to know her father – and if you plan to help us find him now. I don’t give up hope that he’s out there, awaiting to receive my mother’s warmth and kindness – but you must help us find him.
I wish you would’ve given us more than a simple note card with the words “Raymond Proctor” jotted in cursive on the inside. A year, birthday, location, and even middle name would’ve helped. Instead you chose to take your selfishness to your grave with you. When you died, my mother not only buried a mother, but she buried her dreams of finding her father along with it.
Somehow I wish that I would’ve made you talk. I wish I would’ve made you confess where we could find such an important man. And in part, I’m to blame that I never asked the question or pleaded the case on my mother’s behalf. You may have been all my mother needed growing up but the fact remains that she’s missing her other half. My sister and I are missing a part of ourselves as well.
Who is this Raymond Proctor? Surely he must’ve grown up in this area, but when and where? Was he older than you and if so, by how much? I wonder if he was a doctor – someone who could help cure my often hypochondriacal thoughts. I wonder if he was a lawyer, someone that would’ve helped my legal career growing up. Possibly he was married so you cowardly hid my mother from him to save him the pain and anguish. Perhaps he was a deadbeat, but you never gave my mother the chance to figure that out on her own. I wonder why you’d do such a thing when he helped create such a beautiful woman.
Either way, I’m disappointed in you, and I’m disappointed in me. I wish that you would’ve given us closure before you departed. Without you – the pieces of the puzzle seem scattered more than ever before.
*Sigh*
I love you always despite your ways,
A distraught granddaughter on behalf of her distraught mother…
My grandmother died in 2006, leaving the burden of solving the painful mystery of locating my grandfather Raymond Proctor – whomever he may be. My heart longs to put a face to this mystery man. My heart longs for my mother’s peace and closure.
